


Loosen Up

by legendofthesevenstars



Category: Tenkuu no Escaflowne | The Vision of Escaflowne
Genre: Gen, Pre-Movie, Trans Allen, Trans Character, Trans Van
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:16:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendofthesevenstars/pseuds/legendofthesevenstars
Summary: Van tries to hide that he's trans from the Abaharaki. Allen knows better.
Relationships: Van Fanel & Allen Schezar
Kudos: 2





	Loosen Up

**Author's Note:**

> CW: unsafe/questionable binding, discussions of dysphoria
> 
> I'm borrowing some of the worldbuilding from my other fic "Into the Fold," but Van and Allen are younger here (in "ItF", they meet at their canon ages). Van is about 15-16, and Allen is 19-20.

Van could only hide it for so long. Soon, he was sure they’d start asking about the black undershirt he always wore or his height or his voice. He already had reason to suspect that they were catching on. None of the members of the Abaharaki made fun of him for his voice or his height, but he’d been asked before why he never took his shirt off.

There were so many possible ways they could find out, and every day he ran through each in his head. What if he had to fly and his wings tore his undershirt? What if he got lightheaded from wearing his undershirt too long? What if they found out the reason behind his monthly “stomachaches”? What if the guys wanted him to go swimming with them? He knew that humans like them feared dragons, and he was terrified they’d find out about that, too. But if they knew that he was a dragon _and_ that he was trans, what would they do then? What would they say?

In Adom, he’d felt safest with his foster parents and Merle. He’d worn shirts and pants since his youth and kept his hair short, but he’d never had quite the words to explain that he wanted to be like his father and brother. Puberty had been disastrous, and he’d become sure that he really wasn’t comfortable with the body he’d been born in. When he’d finally worked up the courage to tell his foster parents how he felt, they’d sewn the undershirt for him and begun referring to him as a boy. The undershirt had to go through a few revisions before it fit properly, but he was happy to have it even from the beginning.

Though most people in Adom understood what was going on, a few tripped up, and some even refused to call him a boy for a while. He was afraid of stragglers like that, even if they meant well. There was a trans girl who had come to Adom as a refugee, because the treatment she’d faced in the city was far worse. She explained how people who weren’t like her and Van felt about them, and he’d felt the same fear he’d felt when Mother had told him how humans feared dragons.

He had joined the Abaharaki to find and kill his disgraced older brother, the same brother who only knew Van as his little sister. But Van was a different person now. He wanted to leave his past in Syllandria behind, his childhood and his life as someone he had never been. He was determined that all of them would see him as the man that he was.

—

It only took a few days for everything to change.

On the first day, he was training with Gaddes and Teo. They were throwing knives at a target board. He hurled the knife using an overhand throw and watched it soar toward the target board, landing on the edges but never quite in the center. Gaddes moved the board further away, and he threw harder. On the third throw, he stretched his arm too far and stumbled forward, and he coughed. His ribs felt constricted.

“You all right, Van?” Teo said.

Van tried not to touch his ribcage. “I’m fine.”

Gaddes insisted on some sword combat after that. Van had snuck his hands up his shirt and loosened the ties on each side of his undershirt to let himself breathe. He was fine for a while, going through the motions fluidly. Then his ribs started aching, and he was coughing again.

“Too dusty or hot out here,” Gaddes said. He picked up his canteen and handed it to Van.

Van took a quick swig, then shoved the canteen back into Gaddes’ hands. Gaddes and Teo had shed their shirts. The hot sun was beating down on them from overhead. His undershirt was black, so it absorbed the heat, making him even more sweaty and disgusting. He loved sword combat, but he hated exercise because his undershirt was so constricting.

“I think you need a break,” Gaddes said.

“He just won’t say it,” Teo mumbled.

Van wanted to snap at them, but he was out of breath, and if he didn’t loosen the ties further, he knew his ribs would bruise. His shirt was just big enough that they probably wouldn’t notice too much was different, so he reached underneath it and loosened the ties further. When he went back inside, he would just have to take his undershirt off.

“You still don’t look great,” Gaddes said after a moment passed. “Why don’t you head in for a bit and rest?”

“Whatever,” Van said.

He thought he didn’t feel that lightheaded, but as he walked up the steps into the caravan, he stumbled. He ran to his quarters, slammed the door shut, then unlaced his undershirt all the way. He slipped his shirt over his head, then took the undershirt off, then put the shirt back on and sat down on his bed.

A few minutes later, someone knocked on his door.

“Van?”

Van seized up. It was Allen’s voice. That wasn’t good. Had Gaddes told him?

“Van, it’s just me, Allen. I want to make sure you’re still conscious.”

“I’m fine,” he replied, wincing as his voice cracked. His stupid, ugly voice.

“I have water for you. On a day like this, you should keep hydrated.”

 _And don’t spend too much time outside during the hottest part of the day._ He’d heard it all before. Allen wasn’t trying to scold him. He knew Allen was concerned about him, but he didn’t understand why he was always so concerned. He hoped it wasn’t because he was the youngest other than Merle. He couldn’t stand that condescending crap.

“Leave it at the door,” Van said.

“All right, I’ve done that. Don’t overwork yourself today. The next time I want to see you is at dinner, all right? Commander’s orders.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

“I get the hint.” There was almost a wink in Allen’s voice. “Later, Van.”

Van pulled his knee to his chest and watched Allen’s shadow disappear from under the door.

—

Two days later, they stopped at a lake. Gaddes had suggested they go for a swim to take a break from the heat of the desert. But that meant Van’s worst fears could be realized.

He sat in the stables agonizing over what he was going to do when they got there. He wished he could feel the cool relief of the water on his back, but he just couldn’t swim with them. Merle and Millerna planned to swim later that morning, after the guys swam. If he wanted to swim, he could probably go at night, by himself, but he didn’t want to. He was too afraid that the guys or Millerna would find him and ask why he hadn’t gone swimming earlier.

“You’re worried about the swimming,” Merle whispered once she was sure no one was coming to check on the horses.

“Why would I be worried? I’m not even going swimming.”

“But you almost passed out yesterday. _Again._ ” She turned away from the stables, folding her arms and glaring at him. “Can’t you at least have them take some water in for you to have a cold bath?”

Van lifted his canteen for another drink. He sighed. He’d tied his undershirt looser today, and though his ribs and chest felt more comfortable, he’d been avoiding everyone more.

“One of these days you’re going to push yourself too far,” Merle said. “I don’t want you to hurt your ribs again.”

“I’m not going to go without it.”

“I know, but can’t you loosen it more often?”

“I hate loosening it.”

“Then take more breaks!”

“If I keep doing that, they’re going to think that something’s going on!”

“But your clothes are loose enough that no one suspects anything!”

“I’m done talking about this,” Van snarled, standing up and brushing the hay off his shorts.

Right as he stood up, Kio poked his head in the doorway. “Hey. We made it to the lake. Come on outside.”

“No,” Van said.

“Boss says he wants you out there.”

“Too bad.” Van pushed past him and started through the hallway to the stairs.

“You’re gonna get hot staying inside, y’know.”

Van ignored him. He was halfway up the steps when he ran into Gaddes.

“Oh, there you are,” Gaddes said. “Why don’t you come on out to the lake?”

He really couldn’t say no to Gaddes. After what had happened the other day with his undershirt, he’d start suspecting even more things.

“Leave me alone.” He tried running up the small fraction of stairs beside Gaddes, but he blocked his way with his arm.

“Nope. You should at least come out here to sit and stay cool.”

Van sighed. “Fine. But if I go back inside, I don’t want to hear anyone complaining.”

“You’re really cheerful today.”

Van said nothing, only reluctantly followed him out to the lake. The guys had already gotten undressed and were in the water up to their waists. They all had different body types, from Kio whose hairy stomach rolled when he bent over, and Reeden whose ribs were visible when he stretched his arms to the sky. Everybody’s skin was covered in hair and moles and scars and the odd birthmark. Allen was still in the middle of getting undressed when Van arrived, so Van turned his back until he heard the rest of the guys laughing to greet their commander. When he looked over at Allen, he noticed two thin scars on his chest, one underneath each nipple. He’d never seen scars so exact; they almost mirrored each other. What had he done to get them? Or maybe he’d inflicted them on himself?

Van took his shoes off and undid the wraps on his feet, then dipped a toe in the water to test it out. It was still cold, since the sun hadn’t reached its peak yet. He slowly lowered his legs in, first feet, then calves and shins. He dug his hands in the sand to hide how much they were shaking. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t swim—and it wasn’t yet the time of month that he wouldn’t be able to—but there was no way he could strip down around them.

“Hey, kid, you joining us?”

Van tensed, clenching fistfuls of sand. It was Ort. He’d come up alongside him, with Teo in tow.

“Why should I?”

“You already made it down here. Or can’t you swim?”

“I can swim!” Van said, only realizing after he said it how good of an excuse that would have been. “Maybe I just don’t feel like it.”

“The water’s warm,” Teo said.

“I just don’t feel like it.”

“Suit yourself,” Ort said. “Come on, Teo. Let’s go bug the boss instead.”

Allen’s blonde head resurfaced after Pyle dunked him. Katz and Gaddes were laughing about something. Reeden and Kio were chatting. Van resisted the urge to hug his knees to his chest to hide himself, and instead took a few deep breaths, running two fingers along the bottom of his undershirt.

“So I see you made it.”

Van startled and quickly withdrew his fingers from the hem of his undershirt. Allen was right next to him. “Yeah. So what?”

“You’re not going swimming?”

Van shook his head.

Lowering his voice, Allen asked, “Is this because you don’t want to take your shirt off?”

His entire body tensed. “I just don’t feel like swimming.”

“Mm, I see,” Allen hummed. He looked at the rest of the guys splashing water at each other and dunking each other underwater. “Nobody here will make fun of you for not taking your shirt off. And if they do, they’re at least going to be scolded, and possibly punished.”

_How can he be so sure? And what’s going to happen when my undershirt does get wet? How long am I going to have to dry it for?_

“I see the question on your face,” Allen said. He turned back to Van and winked. “Trust me, I used to be the same way, but now I’m comfortable around all of them.” He paused for a moment before he said, “Just think about it, why don’t you?”

He swam away. Van watched them all in the water, leaning forward slightly so he wasn’t in the same position for too long. He wanted to be out there with the rest of them. But he knew his shirt would get wet and stick to him, and all of them would see. He dipped his legs slightly lower so that his knees disappeared, then inched forward so that only the ends of his shorts were in the water.

“Hey, you’re half in!” Gaddes waved his arm, grinning. Next to him, Katz beckoned Van with one hand.

Van slowly lowered his lower half entirely into the water, the ends of his shorts billowing open. His underwear was quickly soaked and clung to his thighs, and the ends of his shirt dampened. He pressed the small of his back firmly against the shore, propped himself on his elbows, and remained still.

Gaddes lowered his hand, staring at Van for a moment before both he and Katz turned away. But Ort was coming toward him again.

_He just can’t leave me alone. I’d hoped that would be enough._

“What’s the matter?” Ort asked. “You got me wondering if you really can’t swim. But if you were that scared, you wouldn’t’a even come out here.”

“I can swim. I just don’t feel like it,” Van repeated.

“Quit lyin’ through your teeth, kid.” He threw water at Van, landing in the middle of his shirt and dampening it. Van flinched.

“Go away,” Van growled, splashing him in return.

He snorted. “You’re always real sunny, aren’t ya?”

“Hey, Ort,” Allen called.

“What’s _he_ want?”

After Ort turned around, Van pushed up with his elbows, pivoted toward the caravan, and ran back to his quarters. _That’s enough of that._ He was glad nothing bad had happened, but he wasn’t going to stay around and risk anything.

He knelt on top of his bed and loosened his undershirt the whole way. Tears were welling in his eyes. He sniffled and pounded the bed with his closed fist. _Why can’t I be like them?_ He was tired of his undershirt, tired of “stomach cramps,” and tired of being afraid of swimming and undressing around everyone. It wasn’t that he was less of a man for being born this way. He was as much a man as any of them. He was just terrified of having to explain it, and terrified that they’d make jokes, call him a girl, or other, worse things. Lying down, he turned on his side and faced the wall with a sigh.

Someone knocked on his door.

“Van?”

“Go _away_!”

“I don’t think so.”

He rolled back over and looked at the shadow of Allen’s feet, then laced his undershirt back up and got up to unlock the door.

“Please loosen it,” Allen said once he’d closed the door behind them.

Van’s stomach tightened with nerves. “What are you talking about?”

“Your binder. Loosen it.”

“What the hell is a binder?”

Allen’s brow knit in confusion and worry. “The shirt you’re wearing to _bind_ your chest? Don’t act oblivious. I know you keep it too tight and that’s why you’re always shutting yourself up after training.”

Van tried to speak, but he was tearing up again, and he didn’t want to whimper. Allen blocked the door, so there was nowhere to go. He backed onto the bed, hugging himself loosely with his arms.

Allen frowned. “Van, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just concerned for your safety.”

“Why should I trust you?” Van’s voice broke on the last word, and he let out a weak, nervous cough.

“Because I understand,” Allen said. “I was in your place, too. I used to bruise my ribs because I was young and wanted to have a flat chest all the time.”

“No way,” Van breathed. “You’re…”

Allen nodded, smiling. “Yes, I am. And they all knew me before I transitioned.”

“But your chest?”

“I got surgery,” he said with a wink. “Part of my funding comes from a millionaire heir in Torushina. A guy that rich has tons of connections, and eventually I found a doctor who got me a flat chest permanently. I could feasibly pay for your procedure as well, if it’s what you want.”

“Oh.” _That explains those scars._ Van stared blankly at him for a moment before lowering his head. “I didn’t even know it was possible.”

“Really? Haven’t you met another trans person before?”

“Yeah, but you’re the first guy I’ve met.”

Allen nodded. “Mm, I see.” He folded his arms. “I’m sorry if I forced it out of you before you were ready, but I couldn’t watch you hurting yourself. It reminded me too much of when I was younger.”

“I’m not _that_ much younger than you.”

He smirked. “Yes, that’s true.”

Van squinted at him. “But how is your voice so deep?”

“There’s something for that as well, special medicine. And it’ll stop your cycle, too, so you don’t have to pretend you have stomachaches once a month.”

Van lowered his head, his cheeks flushing in shame. _Guess I’d better come up with some different excuses._

“Hey, don’t look so bashful. Are you afraid of the guys finding out that you’re on your cycle?”

“Now that I know I don’t even have to have it, I want that medicine you’re taking.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“But I don’t want to have to tell the guys anything.”

“They didn’t have any problem when I told them. They already know you’re Van, and this won’t change anything. Are you sure?”

“I don’t want to tell them.”

Allen shook his head. “Then you don’t have to tell them anything.”

Van finally felt his shoulders untense slightly. “Good.” He looked away, feeling heat rise to his face again, though not from embarrassment. _Even if I’m the only dragon here, I’m glad I’m at least not alone in_ this _._ “Thanks for all that.”

Allen chuckled. “Of course. Sounds like I need to take you to that doctor.”

“I—” Van paused, then looked up at Allen. “I think I’d like that.”

“Would you?” Allen smiled. “Then we’ll go together, just the two of us, yeah?”

Van scowled, but faking it was hard. “Great. I have to put up with you for a whole day.”


End file.
